The Art Of The Selfie

Listen if "Selfie" is going to be the Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year we may as well go over some ways to take the PERFECT selfie:

1.  Up, Up, Up!

So any time I visit my good friend Alisha in Portland I hear this phrase being yelled at an alarming decibel to the poor sap who offered to take our picture.  "Up, Up, Up!!!" While this is not your traditional selfie, it doesn't hurt to apply this rule to all picture taking.  Up, Up, Up!  Get the camera up. This could also be called "knowing your angles" the more your camera is angled the thinner you appear.  This is especially helpful when you are not the smallest in the picture.  It helps to avoid that awful moment when your "alleged" BFF tags you in the dreaded chubby picture.  Up, Up, Up - and you will not have to approve the loathsome tag. This is method could also eliminate any double-chin action that may plague you.

2. Clean Up Your Room

This should really be a given but how many times do you see a selfie in the mirror of someone's bedroom, or gasp, their bathroom and it's littered with clothes, an open toilet seat, old food bags?  Now - this is coming from a girl who has a Coors Light bottle in her trash can, I get it, sometimes you need to eat a Big Mac Whopper in your bed and you forget to toss the bag.  Don't even get me started on the exhaustion that comes from taking the clothes from the washer to the dryer and then to have to put them away.  Ug.  It's exhausting being you.  However when taking the all important selfie just stick that stuff under the bed or at least hide it from view of the camera.  I don't want to see your underroos in the reflection of the mirror.  We will speak of reflections in a second.

3.  Duck Face

Much has been discussed already about the duck face so much in fact that nothing I have to say will be original.  If you're going to do duck face there are a few rules, little did you know there were so many rules to taking a selfie, right?  First - don't do duck face ALL the time.  I have a friend on Facebook who takes a duck face, selfie in the bathroom virutally EVERY day.  This is more commonly called the "Trifecta" of all selfies.  I digress.  Duck face works when you are making fun of duck face.  This is actually the only time it works. Now please if anyone has gotten a date from a duck face photo, please let me know, if there's a dating site opportunity, let's not let it pass us by.

4. Arm Crop

This is only for the experienced selfie-er.  The art is in making it look like it is not a selfie and I am not talking those ones where you are pretending to be asleep, or that a photographer was able to get you at just the perfect time, but really it's just your amazing arm cropping abilities. This can also be referred to as "Channeling your inner David Blaine" where you create a levitating effect from your phone to your face.

5. Mirrors

Know your mirrors.  If you're at the gym in your sports bra taking a selfie, know that I am scanning the reflection in the mirror to see what other gym goers are thinking of your selfie.  As I bring up the gym selfie I find it important to note that maybe a little perspiration would be good.  Any one can put their headphones on and hang out at a gym, but I want to know you are working while at there, call me crazy.  Sometimes you get that selfie-er who forgets the mirror is behind them, you do know we can see what you are wearing or not wearing as is often the case.  Cover that up!

Finally.  Let's review.  Does the perfect selfie show you at the gym in your sports bra without a drop of sweat on you?  Does the perfect selfie include you with your mouth open?  Does the perfect selfie have duck face?  Does the perfect selfie show your uplifted toilet seat?  Does the perfect selfie include you at your place of work? Does the perfect selfie contain you in a car? Maybe with your dog?  If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions you can proclaim yourself the King or Queen of Selfies. It's an impressive art and because of your due diligence in keeping the selfie alive we, as a people, will live in infamy and for that we thank you.